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To my cohorts,
I love you. I wish you all well, wherever you are, wherever you go.
I remember that one day (or rather, that one week) where i was so vehemently opposed to working with you guys.
There was a point in my reflection where i regretted it to the point of self-loathing, but now i just view it as a reminder that i'm as much as a confused human as you are. What i've reflected is that, at that time, i was fearful that i wouldn't be able to work with you effectively, and as a result, i wouldn't be able to act as freely as i would like to and my performance would be negatively affected. Basically, i made a clumsy correlation between the complex beings which are you guys and my clumsy premonitions. Glad i could verbally express my feelings this time around.
I don't want my problem solving methods to circle around the blame game, like what i did at that time -- it's the antithesis of love, i think. I want to approach the issues in my life differently, in a way that doesn't compromise the act of "loving my neighbor as myself".
I remember sitting in the classroom with the boys, with none of the girls having attended that day. We had nothing to do since the semester was practically finished and we were just there to prepare for our graduation ceremony.
I remember, on that particular day, how you guys would vent out your frustrations on the societal expectations (or, more accurately in this case, the general consensus for young people in our area) brought upon men at the time. One line you said that stuck with me was something in the lines of, "It's unfair how the girls can hug and hold hands and no one would bat an eye, meanwhile if we did that they'd call us gay and shit," -- it's a moment of vulnerability, a chance to peek into a human soul which i did NOT anticipate. It contrasted the brash sarcasm you'd usually put on in our regular classes which, to be honest, was one of the prime aspects of school that i would dread each day.
I was secretly yearning for such a moment, because it gave my stubborn heart a reference to look at to soften itself when i'm thinking of you (heck, that entire week was full of moments like this, but i'd like to keep the text short). Thank you.
The other thing i'd hated about school was the frequent gossip, especially among the girls. Quite often i had a hard time talking with girls my age (well, to be honest, i had the same issue with boys as well... i think i was tired of dealing with the rumors and romantic infatuation which would comprise 90% of conversations among friends. Haha.)
But your warm attempts to befriend me and prevent me from feeling lonely have gotten to me, and it's only recently that my heart has truly come to digest that. I do still enjoy solitude and prefer birdwatching over tiktok making in my spare time, but i don't want such futile differences to prevent me from connecting and being on good terms with you and with others. I've still got a LOT to learn in this aspect, but first i'd like to say i'm grateful for your persistent understanding hidden under the teenage mood swings. At least, that's how i perceive your behavior towards me; it could have been done out of pity, or even as a joke... but eh, your intentions don't matter anymore. The spark has already been... uh, sparked(?)... and the fire of empathy God has kindled in my heart has grown a teeny bit larger, and will continue to grow, i believe.
My experience with you girls has triggered a new inspiration, a new desire to connect with people despite differences in views and interests. I don't expect an easy road ahead in this direction i've chosen, but no matter. Thank you.
I doubt you'll ever see this, but i hope that the dust particles surrounding me, which will sooner or later carried by the wind, will somehow carry my message over to you. Despite any possible impressions i made from my aloof yet pitiful disposition back then, i'll remember you fondly. I hope.
Liebe Grüße,
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